Are you fresh out of school and looking for an illustrious career path? Want to see unknown galaxies, meet new species and blow their planet up? Think serving in the Imperial militia is just the ticket to fame, fortune and hot green chicks with tentacles instead of hair? Do you want to be a Stormtrooper!?
Maybe you should think again…
Being a Stormtrooper may sound like a great idea, but in reality, there is no worse career path available. Why, you ask? Let’s take a look!
1) Your Training Will Be Subpar
Clearly, no one’s teaching these guys how to hold a weapon or aim, because unless you were one of the handful of crack shots that helped Lord Vader take Princess Leia’s ship, you will never hurt anything but walls. You might get a few glancing shots off a droid here and there, but every time you pull your blaster out, you better be ready for disappointment. Nothing is going to fall before you except over-sized teddy bears. Which brings us to point number two…
2) Your Army? Not So Powerful
Yeah, you’ll get awesome, cool weapons like blasters and AT-ATs, but in the end, it’s all useless without proper training. Your whole army is gonna get their asses handed to them by Ewoks. Ewoks, the cute, cuddly looking rejects from the Teddy Ruxspin factory. Almost as embarrassing as Oompa-Loompas bringing down the British Empire.
3) The Armor
Clearly, the Stormtrooper armor is useless. Primitive, flint-tipped spears go through it like a hot knife through warm butter. It’s not like the Empire doesn’t have any money. They built two Death Stars! But none of that money is being spent on the little guy doing the grunt work. Where do they get this stuff, Ord Mantell?
4) Your Death
Your death will suck. You will fall victim to giant tentacle desert monsters where the aforementioned third-rate armor won’t protect you much from being digested over the next two-thousand years.. Yay. You will also be mowed down en masse by guys in robes with really sharp flashlights. So much for a noble death.
Oh, and did I mention the teddy bears?
5) Your Boss
That’s right, your boss. He’s a seven foot tall asthmatic cyborg who lives in a black Easter egg. He makes you call him “Lord” and he’s a control freak in need of anger management. Do they not have Prozac on the Death Star?
He’s also one of only three to five people (depending on the movie) who believes in some mystic religion that lets him choke people without touching them. Great. If you’re ever late to work, your cult leader can drag you out of bed with his mind. Actually, he’s such a temperamental perfectionist, he’ll probably just choke you out for being late.
Oh, and his armor is WAAAAY cooler than yours. Because it works!
There are five reasons being a Stormtrooper blows. If you thought being a Stromtrooper sounded like the better career move, try something less dangerous. Like being Dick Cheney’s hunting guide.
Can you think of any other reasons? Or maybe why being a Stormtrooper ISN’T such a bad idea?
Tell us in the comments, or even better, shout it out on our Facebook page!